Beneath a choice
by Setrus
Summary: PC/Alistair - What reasons are there beneath the choices we make? Cold logic? Emotions? A talk between Morrigan and the elven warden after the defeat of Loghain, at the warden's lowest point.


Morrigan felt...confused as she climbed the stairs to the castle wall.

The showdown with Loghain had been, as these city dwellers would call it, dramatic. The sparing of his life had even surprised Morrigan, she hadn't thought Leanna had had it in her to forgive like that, not after all what the man had put her through. Of course it had been quite a surprise to Alistair as well....Morrigan grimaced at the sound of the faint sniffle.

The woman didn't wear her helmet for once, baring curly red hair to the gentle evening breeze, tucked tightly behind her sharply pointed ears. The green eyes shone in the moonlight, wet and red as she stared out across the city, not really seeing anything.

"So...here you are." Morrigan noted, somewhat awkward as she played with her necklace, a gift from...her friend she supposed. Morrigan frowned at the thought, _friend_...such an odd little word. Alistair had once insulted her about having no friends and now...now she had one...who had been the one driving him away...odd that.

The other woman remained uncharacteristic silent, she didn't even turn to acknowledge Morrigan. Instead she merely sniffled once more, her hand coming up to rub some snot away from her nose.

"I guess we could chalk this up as a victory eh? Loghain a warden, a ruler supporting us on the throne, you're quickly turning this into a victory...you'll be a great hero." Morrigan bit her lower lip, realizing this was the wrong tactic, Leanna didn't care about victory, at least not right now. Ugh, humans and elves were always so strange...though Morrigan had to admit she didn't actually miss the animal companions she'd once had.

Leanna sighed, her head dropping low, gaze landing on the hands resting on the battlement. "I...thank you Morrigan, I know what you're trying to do, but it's not really necessary."

"Sure it isn't." Morrigan rolled her eyes, voice dripping with sarcasm, then felt a jab of regret at the hurt look crossing Leanna's face. "I mean..." Sighing she leant her back against the battlement and crossed her arms in front of. "...I want to stay, talk."

"_Morrigan_ coming to _me_ to talk? Should I sound a trumpet?" Leanna muttered, tone venomous.

Morrigan blinked, then shook her head, Leanna being insulting? She _was_ in a bad mood! Morrigan let the insult pass though, after all, Leanna was her...friend...ugh...it still didn't feel right in her mind, it was...awkward. "I guess I deserved that. I'm just...curious about what happened."

"Funny, I thought you were there, saw it yourself." Leanna replied, tone flat.

"I did." Morrigan admitted with a nod. "But I must admit I don't understand it. Loghain will be a valuable ally yes, but I was sure you would have him executed for his crimes, even Alistair argued for it, and he's a sissy..." The rest of what she meant to say didn't come out as she saw the elf next to her gasp out a sob, her body almost doubling over, a hand grasping at her chest as the other one held unto the battlement. "Erm..."

The elf didn't move, her chest heaving as she silently cried, her tears dropping unto the ground, body rigid, as if in pain.

Morrigan hesitated, then reached out, a hand carefully petting the thin shoulders of the other woman. "There...there? It...will be okay?"

An odd sound escaped the elf, a mix of a sob and a laugh. "I-I'm sorry Morrigan, thanks, really." Taking deep breaths Leanna turned back to the battlement, her hands pushing her to straighten up, her eyes once more distant as she gazed out towards the horizon. "You're...a good person."

"I...yes...thank you." Morrigan was growing more and more awkward by the moment, but she wasn't about to leave without discerning what had really happened, there was obviously more to it than Morrigan understood, and despite Leanna's attempt to lure her off with a few nice words she wouldn't leave without an explanation "But I still don't understand, why did you spare him? I didn't think even you would be able to think straight when it came to him."

Leanna's shoulders dropped, her eyes closed. "I did didn't I? He is still seen as a hero and...everyone deserves a second chance don't they? And Anora...not only was her support partly dependant on him living but..." Her head whirled around, the intense gaze making Morrigan take a step back in surprise. "...I couldn't kill him like that! Not in front of her like that! Have you ever seen the ones you care about, _really_ care about...die before you?" She turned back to the horizon. "I...couldn't do that to her."

Morrigan nodded, she remembered Leanna telling them about her time in the alienage. It had been very short, clipped, and the pain had been badly concealed. Alistair had of course thrown a small fit about the woman almost getting married once she was out of earshot...but he too had known better than to bring it up, to speak about the loss she obviously still felt.

"I suppose I understand, on an intellectual level at least."

That got a small laugh out of the little woman. "Heh, that's you, always the intellectual."

Morrigan bit back a sharp retort, knowing Leanna didn't mean it as an insult. Jeez...being a friend was really straining at times. "Okay, okay...but why choose Anora? Even when Alistair expressed a wish to become king?" She shook her head, still puzzled. "Surely that would have made the support of the nation for our fight against the blight all the more sure, not to mention that you would have Alistair as a king, Alistair...your..._friend_."

"I thought I had it all figured out..." Leanna leant forward, resting her head on her hands as she gazed out across the city, a sad smile on her small lips. "He would marry Anora, she would rule well, he would still remain his own man...and happy. Despite her being her...she would probably make him happy in the end."

Morrigan frowned, that didn't...wait. "You don't think you'll survive this blight."

"The chance at survival is minimal isn't it?" Leanna shook her head. "I just wanted...to make him happy, to get the throne without all that he dreaded. He might not have liked it much, but it wouldn't have been horrible, and Ferelden would have benefited for it..."

"And you?"

"I'm not important." Leanna shrugged. "I just...he could have been happy with her! It wouldn't have been perfect but..."

Morrigan shook her head. "You're a silly girl, you know that right? Not thinking about yourself is one thing, but deluding yourself that he would be happy with that harpy..." She squinted at her friend, trying to read through that mask of sadness. "You didn't want to hurt him by dying...isn't that right? Better to hurt him now together with the offer of a future then leave him to his own devices?"

Leanna shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Well...that boy _does_ need someone to lead him by the nose to find his own clothes." Morrigan admitted, cocking her head to the side with an unsure smile.

Another small laugh escaped the elf, it was a sad one though, dreaming. "Yeah..."

"But when it became one or the other...?"

"Forget it." Leanna looked away, shoulders stiffening. "It's not important."

Suppressing the urge to comment about the use of staring at rocks Morrigan eased off the wall and took a step forward, her movement jerky as she forced herself to put her hands on the elf's shoulders. It was...odd. "Come now, tell me."

"I...I wanted him back." Morrigan saw Leanna's hands curl into fists. "When it became one or the other...with Anora on the throne he would be free, he would be..." She shook her head violently. "...I know...it's so silly."

Morrigan frowned, it didn't make sense... "But if you wanted to give him a future...why didn't you give him the throne? Sure he wouldn't have Anora as comfort, and he would actually have to rule...but he would still have that future you wanted for him."

"I know!" Leanna hissed, her shoulders tensing, almost making Morrigan withdraw. So often it was hard to think that little elf, so innocent and puppy eyed looking, to be the dangerous grey warden told of all over Ferelden. Yet when she raised her voice...it was as if someone else spoke through her. When it was aimed at someone else Morrigan liked it, to see that her friend actually could be tough. But when aimed at her...

The tension in the shoulders disappeared though, replaced by a shaking. "I-I was...wasn't thi-thinking s-straight!" Was...was Leanna crying? "I wa-wanted h-him t-to stay wi.-with me!" There was a crunch as she woman punched the wall. "H-he w-was su-supposed t-to be ha-happy! Wi-with me!" She punched the wall again, the sound wet this time. "N-not g-get ang-angry! N-not le-leave!

"I...understood that." Morrigan felt something, something strange, as if something was squeezing her lungs from within, she blinked. "He was a fool."

"N-no!" Leanna protested another punch, this time sending a small splash of blood shooting across the battlement. "I-I wa-was the fo-fool! H-he wa-wanted to...to d-do ri-right! A-and I den-denied him!" Her crying turned into a explosion of sobs from deep within her chest. "I d-didn't th-think! I wa-wanted h-him to st-stay wi-with me!"

"You're not making things better this way." Morrigan tried, blinking once more, by the spirits, what was going on? "You did your best, he'll forgive, come back." For all her dislike of the former templar Morrigan actually wished him back, just so Leanna would stop this...so she would return to her own kind self.

"No-not in ti-time!" Leanna protested. "A-and ev-even i-if he di-did...I wo-wouldn't de-deserve it!" She punched the wall a fourth time, sending even more dark blood to splash against the grey stones. "I w-was wr-wrong! An-and now I'll di-die wi-with-without him kno-knowing my fe-feelings!"

Morrigan felt her own shoulders drop, a weak smile somehow forcing itself unto her lips. "He knows, it was plain as days girl..."

"Bu-but I ne-never _told_ him!" Leanna pulled back her right fist for another punch.

Morrigan acted quicker then she thought possible, pressing herself against her friend's back she caught the fist of the elf before she could place another hand-shattering punch into the battlement. The blood over Leanna's knuckles was warm and sticky, and beneath it the fist shook with a pain that didn't come from the wounds inflicted upon it. "Stop it, please just...stop it." Morrigan blinked at her own tone, it was almost...begging? "You're...you're not making things better."

"L-let me go!" Leanna snivelled and moved to shake Morrigan off, yet the move was so terrible weak...the strong rogue had been turned into a snivelling child. Yet Morrigan couldn't find it in herself to scorn her. "Le-leave me a-alone!" The rogue jerked like a dying animal as Morrigan had her other arm wrap itself over the woman's shoulder and grasp her other fist. It wasn't hard to pull the elf's arms so they were crossed over her chest, making for an odd reversed hug.

"No warden." Morrigan swallowed, feeling an odd swelling feeling in the corner of eyes. No...it couldn't be...? She hadn't done that for...for ages. "I will not let you go." She bowed her head, carefully placing her cheek against the elf's head, her hair was soft against Morrigan's skin. "Nor will I leave you." She lied...she was lying...to her friend.

"No! Le-let me...go." The struggle ebbed out as quickly as it had begun. "I...I...."

"Yes?" Morrigan swallowed, it was hard to breathe, her throat tightening.

In an explosion of movement Leanna burst free, only to spin around and throw herself at Morrigan, almost bowling them over. "I miss him already!" The sobs returned with renewed strength, making the elf shake violently in Morrigan's arms. "S-so m-much! I-I wo-won't se-see hi-him a la-last ti-time be-before I di-die!"

"Shhh." Morrigan licked her lips and closed her eyes, suddenly feeling very, _very_ weary. "Don't...say things like that...you'll....you'll be okay."

Leanna's only answer was heavy sobs, her face pressing into Morrigan's chest, as if wishing to disappear through her. The elf's nose pressed cold snot unto Morrigan, equally cold tears practically pouring unto her...and Morrigan realised with a start that she was okay with it, in a sick way she even...liked it, to be there for Leanna, for her...friend.

Smiling as she wrapped her arms around her friend Morrigan let the tears come...


End file.
